I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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