I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
