Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize