Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
