Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
