just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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