I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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