Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My breasts were aching with rage.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
