He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
