I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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