Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
