the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
