Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize