apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize