Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
