you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
