why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
