I faked an abortion last night.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
