You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
