I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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