and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
