shes about as inviting as chlamydia
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
please come you make the beer taste better
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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