im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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