well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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