They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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