I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
