I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
