You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
