Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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