I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
