the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
