Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
