my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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