I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
