Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
