Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
