I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
