hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
