Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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