I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
