i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
