Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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