i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
pray to the hookup gods
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
