Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
