who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
