Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
