I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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