oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
well you can't waste a boner
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
