i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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