I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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