If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
