This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
