my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
