This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
