So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
