I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
