Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
