ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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