I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
