Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
