You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
