I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
